A Primer On Bad Service

Being born and raised in Florida and able to trace at least 4 generations of ancestors (paternal and maternal) from Florida, it pains me to say that my state is brimming over with people who provide poor service. Some of my family would say, “it’s because them damn yankees have overrun us and there are so few natives here.” Others would say, “Castro and them South American dictators have flooded Florida with their rejects”, or “them folks from south of the border will work fer nuthin.” All of that may be true, but I think the problem is bigger than that.

People just don’t know what good service is.

Go to any large town in Kentucky and you’ll get good service. People there care about service. Drive past the small towns, though, because they don’t trust or like strangers. It’s the same in all other southern states, probably because good manners breeds good service and people in the south generally have good manners. If you disagree with this statement, please don’t comment here-contact Jeff Foxworthy. I heard him say that on TV just last week

As a public service for all carpetbaggers, refugees, emigrants and young Floridians that may not know yet, the list below has examples of poor service and you should not do these things:

1. If you work at Wal-Mart and there are customers that have been standing in your line for more than ten minutes you should NOT
(a) Chat on your cell phone
(b) Compare social notes with the cashier two aisles down
(c) Turn off your light and go on break without at least apologizing for making the customer reload his/her cart with groceries already placed on the belt.
(d) Stop in the middle of ringing up a $250 grocery order to have a personal conversation with the bagger about his medical issues, most especially if those medical issues concern his excretory functions.
(e) Provide lectures on the evils of alcohol consumption while ringing up a 24-pak of Corona Light or four liters of Fat Bastard wine.
2. If you work in Sporting Goods at Wal-Mart and a person with a sweaty T-shirt on comes in with grease under his fingernails and asks for a bicycle spoke key or spoke wrench your answer should not be, “Where did you come from? I’ve never heard of such a thing.” Even an idiot could figure that on out if he listened to what his customer was asking for.
3. If you work at Papa Johns Pizza you should greet customers as they come in the door and not wait four minutes and eighteen seconds while their to-go order is getting colder. By the way, just because you don’t make eye contact doesn’t mean that the customer doesn’t see you while you are standing 26 inches away. And, the cash register does not give you the shield of invisiblity until you get around to greeting customers.
4. If you are an usher at church and someone is saving a seat for their husband, there must be a better way to let her know that the church is crowded other than saying, “He’d better hurry up and get here.”
5. While working at Walgreen as the only cashier, please don’t leave to stock shelves without acknowledging customers standing in your line waiting to check out. If at all possible, check out those customers before putting Revlon’s latest line of lip gloss up on a higher shelf.
6. If you work at Lowe’s in the electrical department, please learn what ‘madison clips’ are.
7. If you cut lumber to length at Lowe’s and the customer asks for ‘exactly 48 and three quarters of an inch”, don’t cut it 49 and say, that’s as close as I can get.
8. If you sell paint at Lowe’s and the customer asks for the cheapest flat white interior latex paint that you have in 5-gallon buckets, please don’t argue when he won’t be upsold.
9. If you work at Home Depot, ignoring customers and keeping your area clean and stocked only accomplishes 2/3rds of your job, and continues to drive people over to Lowe’s.
10. If you have a bicycle shop that takes trades, don’t call the customer’s trade-in a piece of crap in order to justify allowing a fourth of what it’s worth on a trade against an overpriced model.
11. If you work at Bonefish Willy’s, don’t start out with great service and then disappear after serving the main course. Customers may want Key Lime Pie and/or coffee…and your tip may depend on service during the entire meal.
12. If you are a server and say to one person, “that’s an excellent choice” you should say the same thing to all others at the table.